Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDSIf you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS