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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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