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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

W. C. Fields

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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