I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDSMy main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS