Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDSMy main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS