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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

W. C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

Choice Inspirational Yourself
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

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