Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDSMy main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS