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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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