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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

Choice Inspirational Yourself

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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