I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDSNever try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS