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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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