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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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