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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W. C. Fields

Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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