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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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