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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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