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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

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