I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSIf pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS