You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDSIf pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I drink therefore I am.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS -
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS -
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS