Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSIf pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS