To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
TIM ALLENNever comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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I have a thing for tools.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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