Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLENNever comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
TIM ALLEN