Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT