One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT