Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT






