Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT