Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT