Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT