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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Funny Herself Laughter Milk
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Memories Photograph Yourself
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Act Attitude Head Herself Live Scare Yourself
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Country Funny Nation People
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Funny Hairs Stick
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Devil Evil Fantasy Funny Taste True
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Inspirational Motivational Struggle Way Wrong Yourself
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fantasy Himself Stop Weapon

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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