If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHTSome friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT