I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHTI just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT