All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTI just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT