You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT