If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT






