If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT