My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT






