Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Clones are people two.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT