Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT