The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT