My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT