Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT