Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT






