I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT






