It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT