Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT