It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT