I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT