I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT