I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT