On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT






