If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT