If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT