Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT






