If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT






