Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHTI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT