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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Funny Literature Word
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Lost Myself Place Thinking
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Addiction Difference Myself Quit
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Friendship Gift Myself Sex
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Appearance Different Fingers Hands
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Bacteria Culture People
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Literature Word Wrong
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Eat Food Funny Human
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Forget Funny Myself
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Memories Myself Past Thinking
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch

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