My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD