My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD