I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD