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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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