What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






