When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD