My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD