When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD