This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDLife is just a bowl of pits.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD