I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDLife is just a bowl of pits.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD