I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDLife is just a bowl of pits.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD