I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD