I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD