“Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.”

Make your life spectacular, I know I did.

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.

I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.

Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!

Reality: What a concept!

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

You’re best when you’re not in charge. The ego locks the muse.

If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Those who are clever, who have a brain, never understand anything.

I don’t want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake.

Eat to live, don’t live to eat.

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.