“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.”

All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you’ll fly like me.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Boys, you must strive to find your own voice, because the longer you wait to begin the less likely you are to find it at all.

A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven.

Even mistakes can be wonderful.

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’

There’s no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

The truth is, if anything, I’m probably addicted to laughter.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Compassionate conservative. I don’t know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.

I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.

I have one life and one chance to make it count for something… My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.

When the President starts talking about something, it makes a difference.

We work to become, not to acquire.

There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.

Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance.

The only difference between the sane and the insane is that the sane have the power to lock up the insane.

Faith makes all things possible, love makes all things easy.

There’s no difference between one’s killing and making decisions that will send others to kill. It’s exactly the same thing, or even worse.