“Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.

Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

If heaven exists, to know that there’s laughs, that would be a great thing.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.

Sometimes the mask we wear is simply just a smile.

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.

Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.

Poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.

Great love affairs start with Champagne and end with tisane.

Some truths taste better with bourbon.

Major third complications can be overcome by lots of alcohol.

I’m sure drugs and alcohol perhaps would inspire new thoughts, but it’s certainly not something that I use as a tool or a mechanism to create.

It’s been said that alcoholics are egomaniacs with low self -esteem. It’s the prefect description. Being larger than life and yet your pride is crushed with self- loathing.

You got to realise that when I was 20 years old, I had a house, a Mercedes, a Corvette and a million dollars in the bank before I could buy alcohol legally.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

I once received a cape that was made from the little purple bags that Crown Royal Whisky comes in.