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Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

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If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.
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Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
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Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
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What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven’t seen before.
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There’s no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
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My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.
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I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
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When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
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When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
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I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole
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You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don’t become stupid!
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You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.
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You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
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There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
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Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
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But if there’s love, dear – those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.
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Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
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Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!
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Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
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The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
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Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
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Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
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Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’
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Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
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What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
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My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.
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The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
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