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You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
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People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
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When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
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You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.
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No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
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Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
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Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
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You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don’t become stupid!
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Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
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But if there’s love, dear – those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.
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Comedy is acting out optimism.
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I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
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Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.
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We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.
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Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
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The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
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