“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

Don’t associate yourself with toxic people. It’s better to be alone and love yourself than surrounded by people that make you hate yourself.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’

There are no rules. Just follow your heart.

My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.

If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.

Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.

If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Make your life spectacular, I know I did.

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.

I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.

Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!

Reality: What a concept!

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

I’d rather take coffee than compliments now.

The most dangerous thing in the world is to make a friend of an Englishman, because he’ll come sleep in your closet rather than spend 10 shillings on a hotel.

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Christ came back he would drive his treacherous servants out of the temple with a whip.

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.