Funny Quotes

There are two types of people in the world, those who say ‘there are two types of people in the world’ and those who don’t.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

But the paparazzi are quite malicious and vocal and really rude, … And they camped outside of my house, so I started throwing eggs at them, lobbing them at rocks next to them.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

It’s a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I get a kick out of people saying I was funny.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.