Funny Quotes

Predition is risky, especially of the future.

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn’t let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Was not In the men’s room, Julie.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I’d rather take coffee than compliments now.

Legs longer than my marriage.

I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, ‘Work out! Work out! Old age is coming!’

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

The most dangerous thing in the world is to make a friend of an Englishman, because he’ll come sleep in your closet rather than spend 10 shillings on a hotel.