Funny Quotes

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.