Funny Quotes

I’m so insecure, I think, that I’ll die before I drink.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

Random thought of the day: I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a fuck up.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.

If we do an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, we will be a blind and toothless nation.

I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.