Funny Quotes

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole

Happiness is a small house, with a big kitchen.

I know many of you thought that I would be retiring today, but if I was ever going to announce my retirement it would not be in a downtown Los Angeles hotel with this fairly ugly carpet.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

This is going to sound really funny. I have a poster of Zac Efron on my wall! I think every girl has a poster of him in their room so, why not join the club!

I make my protein drink with whiskey. People think I’m crazy, but that’s the way I am. I get stoned, I do my own thing.

There is truth in wine and children.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called Ego.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.