“Happiness is a small house, with a big kitchen.”

The more successful the villain, the more successful the picture.

Suspense is like a woman. The more left to the imagination, the more the excitement.

For me, suspense doesn’t have any value if it’s not balanced by humor.

Luck is everything… My good luck in life was to be a really frightened person. I’m fortunate to be a coward, to have a low threshold of fear, because a hero couldn’t make a good suspense film.

There is nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever.

San Francisco would be a good location for a murder mystery.

A woman of mystery is one who also has a certain maturity and whose actions speak louder than words. Any woman can be one, if she keeps those two points in mind. She should grow up-and shut up.

It’s only a movie, and, after all, we’re all grossly overpaid.

Film your murders like love scenes, and film your love scenes like murders.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

For me, the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake.

I was an uncommonly unattractive young man.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally.

I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me.

Even my failures make money and become classics a year after I make them.

It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

It’s funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

The nicest veterans, the kindest and funniest ones, the ones who hated war the most, were the ones who’d really fought.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

The club isn’t the best place to find a lover so the bar is where I go.

It’s funny how we say a person ‘made’ us when they actually broke us. Sort of like how I say ‘funny’ – but I actually mean sad.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don’t know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.