“Happiness is a small house, with a big kitchen.”

When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

It seems to me that television is exactly like a gun. Your enjoyment of it is determined by which end of it you’re on.

Actually, I have no regard for money. Aside from its purchasing power, it’s completely useless as far as I’m concerned.

To me Psycho was a big comedy. Had to be.

Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

I’m not much into rear window ethics.

Man does not live by murder alone. He needs affection, approval, encouragement and, occasionally, a hearty meal.

Revenge is sweet and not fattening.

People don’t always express their inner thoughts to one another; a conversation may be quite trivial, but often the eyes will reveal what a person really thinks or feels.

I would almost say that the best screen actor is the man who can do nothing extremely well.

I’m a writer and, therefore, automatically a suspicious character.

Drama is real life with all the boring parts cut out.

Disney has the best casting. If he doesn’t like an actor he just tears him up.

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

I would be so scared if I was a gay guy; you’ll, like, die of AIDS.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

A lot of the things I say I’m just trying to be funny. I don’t really mean everything I say, because I’m not totally that airhead.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

One must never set up a murder. They must happen unexpectedly, as in life.