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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

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Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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