My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER