To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER