The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER