Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER