Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER