I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER