Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER