Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER