My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER