The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER






