The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER