Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER






