Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER