A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER