You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER