If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER






