self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER