I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER