I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






