A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER