The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER