A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER