I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER