To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER