The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER