Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER