I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






