You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER