You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER