In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER