I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER