My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER