Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER