Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER