I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER