Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER






