To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER