I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER