Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER