In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER






