The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER