A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER