The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER