My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER