There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER






