It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER