When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
NORM MACDONALDI’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
NORM MACDONALD






