An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERGI like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG