If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG






