I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG