black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

Mitch Hedberg

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girl Mad Relationship
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Phone
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Teeth
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor People
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG

Color Funny Humor Oppression People
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

Crazy Dance Funny Humor Yourself
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Giraffe Hate
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Love
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Way
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG

Book Children Funny
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Impossible
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG

Believe Deep Ghost People

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

Related Topics

Popular Authors

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes