Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG