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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Life Sex Woman
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Eat Funny Humor Lake
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Race
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Laughter
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mathematics Relationship
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Comedian Food Funny
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Teeth
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Soccer Sports
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes