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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Way
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Laughter
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Photograph
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Comedian Food Funny
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG

Believe Deep Ghost People
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Alcohol Funny Humor Wait Wine
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Library Reading
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG

Book Children Funny
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girlfriend Humor
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

Death Fake Funny Plant Sarcastic
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Life Sex Woman

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes