I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGI’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG