black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG

Cancer Funny Humor
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG

Book Children Funny
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Teeth
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Lake
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Race
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Missing
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG

Brother Funny Humor
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Stairs

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes