When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG