Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG






