If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG