I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG