I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG