If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG






