Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG