I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG