I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
-
-
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG