I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG






