I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG






