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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Jobs
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music Philosophy
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girl Mad Relationship
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Doe Funny Humor
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Phone
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor People
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mathematics Relationship
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Nice
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

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