You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERGI once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG